Don't Let Me Miss the Forest
Written while listening to "River" by Leon Bridges
*All photos can be found where they belong at Underbelly.*
I’ve reached a special point in my life finally. I thought I might never. But I reached it.
I thought that I would never feel like something was too complicated. I never thought there would be a piece of me that was deserving of a dark and secret side of me. Never thought I’d feel like I needed to hide something. However, in the last couple of months, the ground has shifted underneath me in such a way that I may never trust the earth again. To be grounded, to be rooted in something, physical, emotional, a belief, a feeling, a breath. It suddenly means nothing to me. Roots aren’t real. I hardly feel that I am.
Stability and reliability have lost their shimmer in a strangely similar way that flexibility and spontaneity had once lost their allure on me only a few years ago.
I know what I’m saying doesn't making sense. That’s okay. This kind of confusing and hopeless nonsense is really helping me build up the dark and secret side of me that’s been in development for some time now. It’s becoming more and more natural to spew things out like, “It’s not as easy as it seems,” or “Nothing’s black and white.”
This is just me finally understanding sayings that used to always drive me crazy. Now, suddenly I'm constantly finding myself in perfect situations to use them. Usually I just whisper them to myself...
“The grass is always greener”
“You’re missing the forest for the trees.”
I had a dream about a boat last night. A young man was on that boat. What was interesting was...For the first time in my life, I wasn’t present in my dream. I wasn't a part of it. I was just watching this man, laying out on the deck, watching the stars. It was so easy, so effortless to watch someone else enjoy a beautiful night alone, so relieving to not be there to fuck anything up.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is… The last few months have been incredibly hard. I’m growing up. And well... How do I feel about it?
“It’s neither here nor there.”