1. I live in a world where I feel I'm being pulled from all points of my body in different directions. It’s like I’ve suddenly become aware that my decisions affect other people and their feelings, and it's terrifying. I start to wonder: Why shouldn’t their opinions matter? So much has my thinking gone this route in the last couple of months, that I’ve ghosted myself. And now when I ask myself what I want, how I feel, what ales me, I have no answer. I have no reaction.
In fact, I have no process to even begin to investigate my emotions or thoughts. I’ve started experimenting. I have tried to ask myself questions spontaneously, and take myself by surprise. “WHAT DO YOU WANT? ANSWER NOW!” I scream out loud while sitting alone in my car. Yes, it feels stupid. I’ve written down questions to myself in a real pen-and-paper journal, hoping that the ink is more capable of coming up with an answer. I’ve tried focusing on my chest, listening to it, wondering if my heart has been jumping at the opportunity to tell me what to do via Morse code...but still, I’m left confused. Bewildered. Empty.
2. Feeling angry or sad or happy or frustrated are all whole emotions I would happily welcome in. It’s the tearing that rips me apart, the divide, that breaks me. The hovering feelings that can’t find a nest, that can’t land for a moment and let their wings rest.
The daunting black hole that seems to be growing in my stomach and devouring my identity thrives when I perform the most mundane activities. It seems to drown out everything at times. Holding onto pieces of me becomes impossible, as if my essence is evaporating like a puddle that was once a solid block of magnificent crystal-like ice...so in a panic, I try to focus and hold onto the details around me... like the smell of Colgate mint or the metallic taste of the water from my sink faucet after brushing my teeth. If I know what is going on just beyond my melting skin, that's something, isn't it?