Apparently, Packing for SLC
Today we headed out into the mountains. We packed corn and sweet potatoes. We brought cream sodas and juice. It was such a good day that if there was beer, I probably would have had one just to feel cool. I brought my baby sister home from Costa Rica alive, well, and hopefully more appreciative of electricity and hot water. Nikki got the job she applied for. She’s going to be working with animals, and given that she seems to have a special connection with animals…She's found the perfect fit for her! Overall, it was a pretty swell day.
And tomorrow I’m heading on to a new adventure of my own. My ten days are up, and it’s time to pick up and go. I got extremely close to selling my car. But I didn't. And I’m glad I didn’t, because I’m taking that trusty old car to Salt Lake City with me tomorrow. Seven boxes. A tennis bag. And a big ol’ blanket. I’m taking all that I am and all that I have to Northern Utah.
Who’d a thunk? I certainly wouldn’t have. I guess Utah won my heart over.
While packing, I threw out a lot of junk. I had printed photos of me and my ex. I had a walky-talky I had used while backpacking in Europe that’s missing a charger. I had little hand written notes back when my old college boyfriend used to write me little hand written things to remind me about how he had loved me once upon a time. I had things I didn’t think I had anymore. Finally, I said goodbye to all of it. And it wasn’t even a, “It’s time to let go” kind of a thing. I just simply was getting rid of stuff because space is limited in my little compact.
The space in my car is kind of like life in that way. I can only carry so much with me as I drive along the roads I take in life. Sometimes, in order to move forward, start a new life in a new city, we’ve got to get rid of some stuff. I’m not saying burn the photos of an ex (I’m not saying don’t *evil laugh here*), but leaving things behind isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes lightening the load helps you out there on the road.
Today, I lightened my load.
This post is getting corny...Let me start saying some honest things...Not that what I have already said isn't honest. I mean, let me start really saying some things now that i'm warmed up.
I’ve come to some realizations in my life. I find moments lately where I think, “Wow. It’s been weeks since I've even thought about my ex.” And then I wonder if noticing that I haven’t thought about my ex is actually thinking about my ex...And if that's the case, am I not making any progress after all? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve had two interesting break ups, and I certainly don't know what the best way to handle break ups is.
I just know how they feel, really.
Yesterday I found a journal from January 2014. Sorry guys, I guess I don’t write about everything on my blog. Two significant things were found in that journal today.
One: I knew that Jordan (my college boyfriend at the time) was going to leave. I just didn’t know I knew. I read my words, noticed the language, and sometimes blaring sentences like, “Something between us is dying,” and “I think I need to be prepared for the worst, but I just can’t get myself to start preparing,” and "I feel that he is going to leave me," said it all. Thinking back, things weren’t great at points…But I never realized the truth of what I was writing then. Anyway, that was about 7 months or so before we actually broke up. It’s interesting because I “saw” what was happening, but I just didn’t want to look.
Two: The darkest hours were followed by a constant and consistent dawn. The first time my then boyfriend lied. The fights. The struggles… Somehow I had some entries in my journal that were consistently happy, and they all started with, “I’m so lucky to have a friend like Willie to clear my head.” Willie visited me recently actually. He drove up to hear about Costa Rica in person. It’s funny, but as soon as I hear his voice…I become a kid again. As soon as he walked in the door, he was cracking jokes. He had brought a friend he had met at a hostel on a summer road trip of his. We went to get custard. Before I ordered, Willie jumped, “Let me order for you! A surprise!” Vanilla with cherries. Simple and fruity. Win/Win. Like the old people we are at heart, we went to bed early and woke up at the crack of dawn. The last time Willie had stayed in Utah, he had come looking for me at 6 or 7 in the morning because, “The day was a wasting!” He was up early again this time too. We went out to the backyard while everyone was preparing for the hike because “Of course Mrs. Frampton has to come on the hike!” according to Willie. Seriously, I think he comes to Utah to hang out with my mom over me sometimes, which I love. At six in the morning, Willie was sprinting—not tiredly jogging—sprinting across the grass in the backyard with my dog. I’ve never really met anyone more springy in the morning than myself…and then Willie came along.
We killed a hike at Zion National Park. We talked a lot about Rhyme and Reason. I’m Rhyme, Willie’s Reason, apparently. (I say “apparently” the way the Apparently Boy does. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Click here. Do know what I’m talking about? Still, dude, watch the video. It’s hilarious.) We spent the rest of the afternoon playing pickle ball, swimming, holding official handstand and headstand contests on the grass, fighting for Gemmy’s love and attention, singing the few Disney songs we knew, and okay okay, he killed me in a game of chess too. What can I say? I’m a Monopoly girl…or Should I say Settlers of Catan girl?
Wow… I didn’t mean to talk about the 24 hours I spent with Willie so much. I guess I was with one of my favorite people in the world, doing some of my favorite things. Good company and fresh air. You just can’t beat that. I can’t really explain how special that kid is to me. Dammit, everyone needs a Willie in their life. I don’t know what I’d do without him. If you don't have one, make that a priority on your list in life and get one!
Anyway, that’s two—the fact that I have an amazing friend that has been there for me through running away from home, my parent’s divorce, transferring colleges, a college boyfriend, being cheated on, a long distance boyfriend, and another break up. He’s my best friend, and he kept my journal entries kind of happy even when I was going through some dark stuff.
I found letters I had written to my last ex. Handwritten. Want to know a secret? While we were in our long distance relationship, I wrote and sent him many many letters. I finally realized that I was probably spamming his mailbox (the real one, not the email one on computers) so I decided to cool it. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything though, so I kept writing. I put these beautiful letters into beautiful envelopes. I licked them closed. I wrote down his address that would deliver these internationally stamped babies all the way to Israel…but they never made it. Because I decided I wouldn't send them until I received a letter from him. So he could catch up. So he wouldn’t feel bad about being busy with school. So I didn't feel like I was writing to no one.
I never received a letter while in New York. Not even one of the promised postcards.
And so… I have these stamped envelopes with letters of New York and all of its wonders of love and wishing he could have been there with me. And today, I found them tucked away in a box while packing for the next chapter in my life. And I thought about the months I spent in New York, in the snow, in the early hours of the morning waiting for the L Train to take me home to Brooklyn, and I thought about every single day that I thought of him, wondered what he was doing, where he was, if I ever crossed his mind. And then I made space. For my car. For tomorrow. And I threw all of those lovely letters away.
That’s an embarrassing story. I guess it makes me sound desperate. But Jade, why would you send so many letters if he never wrote you once? Why did you write so many when you could have just waited until you received a letter? I don’t know. Maybe Jerusalem was awesome and he was just living in the moment (something I loved about him). Maybe schoolwork was keeping him busy. Maybe I moved around too much while living in NYC for him to know where to send mail to. Maybe he did write me, but snail mail from Israel doesn’t alway come through.
I chose to believe.
And I always do.
And I always will.
And sometimes I’ll get hurt. Well, basically I’ve only gotten hurt. I’m kind of 0/2 right now in my life as far as romance goes. However, you only have to be right once to, you know, find someone that will enjoy your company for a very large number of years. If you're lucky, maybe you'll even like the same type of music too.
I haven’t written about my exes as of lately. Honestly, I haven’t thought about them much. Packing and finding photos and trinkets though have thrown it all back into my mind. The good thing is I can still think of that one time Jordan laid on the bed with me, looked at a little white freckled spot on my back (in actuality, it was a spot from some time of skin fungus, gross huh?) and told me it looked like the island he was from and made me laugh about an insecurity I had about my skin. I can still think of that one time Merrick sat next to me in a pizza place with my family, leaned over and whispered, “You’re the prettiest girl in the room,” and how I believed him and felt beautiful for the rest of the night. I like those times. And I’ll keep those memories with me. I think there is space for those happy things in my car.
I’ll allow it.
A lot of close friends and even family members have been going through break ups lately. It’s been hard for me because I don’t know how to help. I can only smile and express what my own truth is that I have found from my experiences and say, “But despite how it ended, wasn’t that just a lovely time with them?”
I feel like that’s what I’ve taken away from my relationships.
Or maybe I just can’t learn my lesson.
Back to me going Salt Lake City. Tomorrow.
I don’t have a place to live yet. I don’t have a job really either. And I definitely don’t have a boyfriend.
Well, well, won’t this be fun?
Friends, I may be in Utah for the next while, but Where Is Jade is just getting started.