How & Why?

How & Why?

  • How is it that so many of us are looking for love - want to love - want to be loved - and yet so many of us are/feel alone?
  • What makes love fade?
  • What makes love stay?
  • My dear friend, she loves this man.  She was his best friend. She finally worked herself out of the friend zone.  It was special. Like Jim and Pam special.  They started dating. She was the happiest girl, she was the most in love girl.  And then a couple of weeks she called me up: “Jade, I did something bad. Really bad.”   And I listened to her sob out a confession.  And it made me angry.  She made me angry.  Her actions made me angry.  They didn’t make sense.  
  • “What do I do?” she asked.
  • “You tell him.”
  • “But he will leave me.”
  • “That’s his choice.”
  • “But I love him. I want to marry him. I’m going to marry him… Jade?”
  • What the hell?  You love him?  You’re going to marry him?  Why would you do anything that would hurt him like that?
  • Why, after two relationships, did I think I knew what love was?
  • Why do we make the decision to stay with someone if we don’t want to be with just one person?  Why do we choose one when we want many? There are many that want many, so why do we choose someone who wants one that only wants one?
  • Why isn’t one person to love and be loved good enough?  How is that not enough?
  • I don’t understand.
  • Why does a man stop loving a woman? And why does it take him 27 years to say so?
  • Why does a man say, “I will marry you,” and then two days later, his eyes are following the way the wind blows the hair of another woman?
  • Why does a man say, “I care about you.”  Why does he say he will be there for you.  And he is only there for you in your nightmares?
  • My friend.  He is the champion boyfriend.  His girlfriend is the champion girlfriend.  They have been together for seven years and are in no rush.  They are each other’s half.  I stay at his apartment with his two buddies who are kind enough to let me sleep on the couch for the night.  I wake up to the feeling of a body on top of me.  Lips are searching for mine drunkenly.  I kick “champion boyfriend” off of me.  We have a long talk in the morning:
  • “You have to tell your girlfriend what you did.”
  • “But she will leave me.”
  • “That’s her choice.
  • “But I love her. I want to marry her.  I’m going to marry her…Jade?”
  • What? Why! Why?
  • I had this idea. This wonderment.  This magical idea that love, at it’s finest, and it’s most beautiful moment was easy. Simple. Effortless. 
  • Why is it so complicated?
  • Do we make it that way?
  • I love effortlessly.
  • I also get hurt effortlessly.
  • Is it my fault?
  • People tell me to be alone for a while.  People also say to get back up on that horse.
  • Come to think of it, they say a lot.
  • A man told me I look good with my hair up and down.  But he didn’t love me.
  • How can someone say they love you. How can they make you feel like you’re worth more than the world.  How can they let you let them get along with your family… and then crush you?
  • How are we supposed to act like we don’t care?  What is playing hard to get?  
  • Why do people play hard to get?
  • Isn’t love already hard to get?
  • Isn’t that why it’s so exciting when we find someone that might like us that we like?
  • Isn’t that the point?
  • Do people mistake sex as love?
  • Do people actually think sex is love?
  • Is sex a part of love?
  • To me, even casual sex is the opposite of casual.
  • My hands get sweaty just thinking about maybe holding his hand.
  • Why, when someone tells me they want to get a dog and maybe have a patch of grass to call their own with me, why do I believe them?
  • And why when I believe them, do I let every wall I’ve ever put up come down?
  • Why do you love her, but sleep with another?
  • Why do you love him, but sleep with another?
  • Why do you love hims, but sleep with hers?
  • Why do you love hers, but sleep with hims?
  • Crying in the shower is smart.
  • No one knows.
  • No one.
  • Running helps clear the head.
  • Or that’s what people say.
  • God, they say a lot.
  • But they all don’t know anymore than the next person.
  • I run some more anyway.
  • It just lets me think of you without any distractions.
  • Step, step, kiss, secrets, lies, promises, step, step, kiss.
  • Fool me once.
  • Shame on you.
  • Fool me twice.
  • Shame on me.
  • But I’d take all of the shame in the world, wear the letter on my breast, if at the end of all of this there was someone who told me they really wanted to get a dog with me and really meant it.. 
  • Is cheating cheating?
  • If he fucks her, but loves you…Does that count?
  • If he says it didn’t mean anything, do you believe him?
  • If he does mean it, does that change anything?
  • Another friend called.  They told me I wasn’t going to be happy.  He and his girlfriend got in a fight.  A bad one.  He loved her “like, mad crazy love.”  And this fight, well, she had just made him mad crazy.  So he left. And…
  • “You have to tell her.”
  • “But she will leave me.”
  • “That’s her choice.”
  • “But I love her. I just wanted to hurt her. For a second. So she would know how I felt. I thought it would bring us closer.”
  • “I would never want the person I love to hurt…for a second.”
  • “Jade. I’m crazy mad in love with her…”
  • Sometimes, I just want someone that’s loyal. And honest.  Loyal and honest.
  • Lots of girls would want someone tall and smart.  Rich and funny.  Fit and outgoing. 
  • I’m not sure if wanting someone loyal and honest is me realizing how important and rare that is…or if I’ve just officially lowered my expectations.
  • Or maybe my expectations are higher than ever.
  • I had this terrible nightmare the other night.  He came home.  He came to visit me because it had been so long, and he had wanted to see me— or so I had imagined imagining in my dream.  I heard the car drive up and park. I heard the knock.  I opened the door, and there he stood.  He smiled, politely (I thought it had been warmly).  Before anything, I threw myself into his arms and kissed him… And then I remembered that we weren’t together anymore.  I wasn’t his girl anymore.  I wasn’t his anything anymore.  I backed away.  He looked at me strangely: What a strange girl you are.  I apologized. I was embarrassed. I forgot where we were.  I forgot that we were simply friends after being boyfriend and girlfriend.  I never thought I would see him as a stranger.  The first day we walked out of my door together, he hugged me, and we weren’t strangers.  And suddenly, here we were in my wildest dreams: strangers to the touch. 
  • I woke up crying.  
  • And then I went on a run. 
  • The more I run, the more I run away from the memories.  Every mile I run is a memory flung out the window.  The more I run, the more I can’t breathe, the more I can’t think, the more I can’t see, the more I can’t even.
  • And so I just keep running.
  • The hardest memory to lose is when he walked into the pizza place.  When he looked at me, and the room went dim, and he and I were the only one in the room.  It was the moment he told me I was the prettiest and that he was the luckiest.  And he sat by my side the entire night with his hand on mine.
  • Why is that memory the hardest to shake?  Why is that the freshest memory when it is the furthest away from how things are?
  • My mom doesn’t understand love.
  • But she knows when I’m sad.
  • Suddenly all of the yard needs weed pulling.  She wants to try a new restaurant. She needs me to bake a strange pineapple muffin recipe. She wants to work out and needs help learning how to use weights. She wants to broaden her vocabulary so we read together. There is a new war movie that she can’t watch alone because of the violence.  She wants to learn everything there is to know about iPhones.  
  • She loves me by keeping me busy, by making me feel useful, by giving me purpose.
  • Us unreligious people have to find purpose in the day to day - every day life.  It’s a tragic miracle that somehow gives us happiness. It also confuses the religious.  To be fair, it can bewilder myself sometimes too.  I wish I knew for a fact that I had a purpose.
  • A man who slept with a girl he picked up at a club while I read on the couch in his living room is now engaged.
  • I’m sitting on the couch writing.
  • My friend is having her third child next month.  
  • Wow.
  • All three friends have not told their significant other - They are all still in relationships - infidelity and all.
  • I want to tell their significant others. But I’m torn between loyalty to my friends and to what may or may not be “right.”
  • I need to decide where I want to live.
  • All I know is that I want to live in the same place for 6 months - or if I’m lucky a year.
  • This isn’t about “where” though.
  • Actually, this isn’t about “what” or “who” or “when.”
  • I thought it was about love, but, maybe,
  • It’s just about the How and Why?


    - This post is over, but I want--NAY--I need to hear your thoughts.  Leave a comment about love or the how or the why or the who or when or what or where...Leave a memory, leave a joke, leave a song, leave something. I need to hear thoughts other than my own tonight or I'll go crazy. 
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