My sister Dia texted me and said, "Tyler Lyle is playing in New York City tomorrow night. Go and see him play!" And when Dia tells you to do something because she thinks you will love it, she is always 100% right. So, given that I had the day off, I decided to go. My lovely roommate Laedan came with me. We arrived at the 11st Bar in the East Village after some train delays and got comfy before Mr. Tyler Lyle performed.
Lately, I've been lost. Okay when I say lost, I mean, L O S T. Yes, like the TV show, I realize, holy crap, I have no clue what's going on or what's going to happen or how I even got here in the first place! ...Or at least that's always how I felt when that TV show came on. Seriously, I still have no idea what that show is about.
And yes, I have these moments where I literally just start to panic. My heart starts pounding. My breath speeds up. I start to feel like i'm suffocating. And I realize no one will ever know if I just drop dead. And no one in New York will know who that dead girl was. And I panic some more. I have no money. I have no possessions or belongings that I am afraid to lose. My heart is broken, and I don't know who I want to dance with for the rest of my life. I don't know where I want to call home. I don't know how I will make money. I have nothing. Nothing! Nothing.
I imagine myself sketched in the center of a paper completely alone - centered and spaced out from the nothingness that surrounds me. All I have is a beat up pencil that I feel I sometimes don't even know how to use. But I refuse to let go of that. The will to write is seemingly the only will I have. It's what keeps me putting one step in front of the other at 2 am when i'm coming home from a late night at work. It's what keeps me slapping myself out of it when I start day dreaming about those green eyes. It's what keeps me asking questions and wondering "what if?" "why not?" and "How come?"
And then in the darkness of the bar, Tyler Lyle opened a song called "Ditch Digger" and sang the first two lines:
I choose my eyes wide open and my heart half broken every time
Over a gilded golden shackled reassuring sentimental lie.
And I was reminded that I chose this. That I want this. That this is my fairytale. As terrifying as it could be, as scary as I might realize my life is at times... I chose this life, and every day I choose it again and again.
I would take meeting strangers on the subway, living out of a carry-on, buying one way tickets, falling in love and trusting when my heart tells me it's right whether or not it is "correct" as far as the rule book goes over a normal life with a set number of people I am scheduled to pretend to like, living where I must instead of where I love, staying put because I'm not allowed to move, and not telling the man I love that I love him because it has not yet been a "proper amount of time" to actually know such a thing. (And yet I think it's quite a crazy thing to think that one knows what the proper amount of time should be for every couple!)
"Ditch Digger" reminded me that I would take being lost in my own sketch of empty spaces over being stuck in one space, one cubicle, and one path.
And so, thank you Tyler Lyle. Next time I find myself panicking, I will be happy to know that I'm right on track as far as not being on any certain track is concerned.