I Want

Halloween is here. I haven’t watched many scary movies, considering, but I’ve been thinking about them a lot.  The movie where the zombies come out to play, and you just can’t get bit.  The movie where the scary man is chasing you, and you just gotta run.  The movie where everyone is dying one by one and you’ve just got to survive.

I’ve been thinking a lot about those movies, about the victims in the movies that we’re all rooting for (for the most part).   I’ve been thinking about those victim’s lives and how everything, everything, in their lives becomes about one thing:


For me, it’s more complicated.  Maybe it doesn’t have to be, but my head fills up with so much stuff.  I work more and take more breaks.  I need more pauses.  I pop in my headphones on my walks to work.  Before I enter the glass doors, I take a breath. Pause.  And then I work.  Before I head outside to the courts, I take a deep sigh in my car.  Pause.  And then I coach.  Before I open up my computer for a writing assignment, I place my hand on my lap top.  Pause.  And then I research and write.

That seems normal, but the pauses keep happening more frequently.  I get to the front door of my apartment and take out my keys.  I take a breath and close my eyes.  Pause.  Then I turn the key and come home.  I take a look at the bar I’m unwrapping.  I stare at the edge of the peanut butter mush and take a breath.  Pause.  Then I take a bite.  I log on to my account to pay some bills. My chest rushes full of air and then spits it out. Pause.  And then I click, click, click my money away.  I stand in front of the small mirror on my dresser.  I wonder if I should put mascara on.  I take the tube into my hands and unscrew it. I look at myself. Pause. And then I apply.

I want another job.

I want these gold dangly earrings from Anthropologie.

I want to not feel tired.

I want new snow tires on my car.

I want my book published already.

I want a friend that has got my back and can leave me alone...but really still has my back.

I want some T-Shirts from Brandy Melville.

I want my abs back.

I want to visit Portland, Seattle, Italy, Greece, and Nashville.

I want socks and stockings and little gold pin earrings from Madewell.

I want a lamp.

I want an indoor tennis court all to myself.

I want to be smarter.

I want a boyfriend. The one full of surprises, with the biggest one being that he’s reliable.

I want a french press.

I want a tea kettle.

I want to read more books.

I want a gym membership.

I want a fridge full of fresh fruit.

I want a rice cooker.

I want more storage in my apartment.

I want a book shelf.

I want running shoes without any holes.

I want socks without holes.

I want candles and high quality teas.

I want bigger windows.

I want sex. Skin on skin. Kisses. Touching. Loving.

I want more books.

I want to live somewhere warmer.

I want to be able to eat whatever I want, no matter how expensive it is.

I want my skin to stop freaking out.

I want boots for the snow.

I want Khiel’s Shampoo and Conditioner.

I want to learn Korean, dammit.

I want to be hairless in sensitive areas. Forever.

I want more than a dog.

Okay, I want two dogs.

I want face wash and lip stains from Fresh.

I want spandex and leggings and bras from Lululemon.

I want a pumpkin pie.

I want my room to be warmer.

This list is probably one of the hardest things to share with the world. Honest.  I’m still not even sure if I should.

...I’m ashamed of how much I want.

I’m ashamed that a lot of these things are very materialistic.

I’m ashamed that my desires don’t steer closer to world peace (Hey, Miss Congeniality).

I’m ashamed that a pair of earrings crosses my mind more than once a day.

I’m ashamed that i’m healthy and am still not satisfied.

I’m ashamed that a lot of what I want is just for me.

The list is cluttering up my head.  It’s all of these things I keep wanting.  I know having the entire list wouldn’t make me happy.  

I don’t know what would, really.

So instead, I just think of all of the horror themed movies and pause.

I want to just want to survive.

I want that simplicity.

I want that.

I want.

And then I pause.  
And I go on a walk.  
A dreamy little walk.
And see the rain.
And smell the rain.
And taste the rain.
And hear the rain.
And feel the rain.

And I wonder why I want anything at all.

Tadpoles and Sunsets

Tadpoles and Sunsets

Blue & Black & White

Blue & Black & White