Predict-Less

Predict-Less

I want to look back and comment on how unpredictable life is.

If we jump back to before I broke up with my first college boyfriend, Jordan… So, maybe March or April of the year 2014.  Yeah, that was the time.  I was still a senior in college.  I was still trying to figure out why he wouldn’t hold my hand when we went out exploring.  And if I would have had a wizard stop and ask me what was coming up next in my life, I would have told him I would be living in Hawaii with Jordan.  I’d be spending time with his grandma, picking lychee from the tree in his parent’s backyard with his mom and dad, playing tag with his cousins, and Jordan and I would work and play around like friends...but Jordan would still be saying he was too hot to hold hands...After all, we’d be in Hawaii.

I was wrong about that prediction about the future...

We could jump to the time in between boyfriends.  I started exploring my comfort level.  I went to some bars.  I went to some parties.  I went to a boxing class.  I started going to yoga everyday.  I traveled as much I did, if not more, than I did when I was with Jordan.  I grew out my hair.  I lost fifteen or twenty pounds that I had never needed.  I did the things that scared me most.  I almost had a one night stand.  Almost.  Instead, I was too scared to go through with it.  And I gave a guy blue balls for the first time (sorry).  I also learned what blue balls was.  If a wizard would have asked me what was next, I would have told him that I was going to be alone for a long time.  I would have told him that I was changing too much and was too unsure of myself to find anyone to love me.

Again, dammit, I was wrong.

Then I met Merrick.  And he liked to hold hands and that was astonishing to me.  And sometimes he would suddenly talk, and say everything that was on his mind.  He would tell me when my hair looked good, when it had looked better.  He liked things the way he imagined them to be.  And a lot of the time, things were the way he imagined them to be.  And if a wizard would have asked me what was to come after Merrick left for Jerusalem and after I took off for New York, I would have told him that when the winter melted, Merrick and I would come back to each other.  It was that first embrace that I looked forward to the most.  Imagining seeing him again after so many months was what kept me going.  I would probably move to Provo because I never wanted to be away from him for so long again. We would date for a long time, and eventually elope in some foreign country that was too small for the average American to locate.

Move to Provo.  That part of my prediction cracks me up now...And yes, yet again, I was wrong.

And now.  Owning a bed in an apartment I will be in until next July, serving tables and working odd jobs... Helping out with Meg’s coffee shop, and walking through the Avenues at night like a lost child... Living with a girl roommate (weird, but not unpleasant).  Spending Sundays in my underwear and dreaming about pancakes with powdered sugar.  Jesus, the one person who calls me and makes sure i’m doing okay is someone I never saw coming.  We had met years ago, and yet all of a sudden he’s the first person I want to talk to when a boy from downtown makes me cry.

I wasn’t even close to predicting anything about now either.

And if a wizard were to sit down with me now and ask me what was next…

I would ask him why he asks such a question.  Because, look at me!

The only things that could be predictable about where I am now is that I have short hair, that I love the color green, and that i’m sitting here alone writing about my life.

Maybe those are the only constants I need.

Although, wizard, if you’ve got any magic up your sleeve, I wouldn’t mind a gentleman of a variable to show up soon.  I’ve got all this love and no one to trust it with.  Be kind to us romantics.

Agree to Disagree

Agree to Disagree

Forget - Me - Not